Aye-Ash

city, Friends, india, Uncategorized

Tis in ourselves that we are thus or thus
Shakespeare missed out a bit, it seems.
We may be a lot, or little
More, or less
Plentiful, or lacking
Happy, or ever searching
All of these may be within us
But just as much is outside
Within others,
And in the liminal spaces between the two withins
It’s in these spaces, that bodies talk
Through touch, speech, taste, and sight

Even presence

Ideas form
Love is felt, lost, and rediscovered
Fellowships forged, broken, and reunited
It is within these spaces, that we become

More than us, even if just a bit more.

Or so I think.

Advertisements

Ghosted

city, india, Life, Uncategorized

I wait at the entrance of a bar
Brewery, drinking hole, a bustling space
Dreading the meet to come, I’d rather be someplace else.
Someplace else with friends, comrades, keepers of my soul
Fragments of my fellowship
Friends with broken arms
Friends chasing stories
Friends who feel ghosted
I’d rather be there instead of here
Here the hope is that there will be a story for the evening
To move beyond borrowed experience and have some of my own.
So when I meet these dear friends again, there will be a tale to tell
An evening to narrate
And belonging to feel

New York

america, goodbye, new york, travel, Uncategorized

Three hands piled on top of each other
One brown, one white, one undecipherable

The one on the bottom looked tired, and spent.
Which is weird, because it was early morning.
Perhaps it has been tired for a while…

The second one was a gentle feminine hand, with soft skin, and bright red paint.
That one looked confident, if not a bit too bright.

The third one confused me everywhere.
Can’t tell you the color
Can’t tell you it’s character
Nor its story
Nor its feelings

But for just 7 minutes

These three hands, with all their colors and stories

Piled on top of each other.

For 7 minutes
Around a pole
Between two subway stations
In New York

Bridge

alone, america, goodbye, travel, Uncategorized

There is a bridge that leaves my city
I take it ever so rarely.
Whenever I do, it’s for a short while
Only to return
Or so it has been for a while now

The bridge that leaves my city
Crosses a water so deep
Often it appears, in the corner of my eye
As I walk around my city
For food
For sights
For love

The bridge that leaves my city,
I don’t take it if I can help it

I make people take it to come to me
So that I may feed them, bond, and watch them laugh

Today I took that bridge that leaves my city,

and I wondered

When did it become my city?

Lightning over panama

america, Life, sky, travel, Uncategorized

I saw lightning over Panama
Piercing the white armor of steam
Oblivious to the lives below
Far more grand, far too visceral
Unfettered by the sheet of blue
Shattering the calm dark of the full moon,
I saw lightning over Panama

I saw it in a distance : a majestic crackle in the sky
I hope it looks the same from everywhere : the rapturous crackle in the sky

I thought the light is the same for everyone everywhere.

As I saw lightning over Panama

(Me, 2016)

Hi

america, college, cycle, philadelphia, study, Uncategorized

Hi.

Alive I am. Semester be ending soon. Late I am on many things. Girls I have spoken to none. Girls I have fancied many. Things I have learnt plenty. Wedding I have skipped one.  Laughs I have missed many. Wanted to write I have much. Ideas I have had Nein. Cycle I have ridden some. Cooking I have started yum. Looking forward to the break, I um I um. 

 

See you then.

 

Si

 

 

P.s. I finally had turkey. It tastes like chicken, on steroids. Also, I still dont know what makes Americans laugh. Sigh

.

Floodgates

Uncategorized

I am on a train now. And when not seeing the vast green and/or brown wilderness that is the Indian country side, I am feasting on this:

image

The current me looking out of the window like a pensive-as-fuck ‘traveller’  is vastly different in comparison to the I scrambling to get to the train on time, about 30 mins ago. The rush had its tense moments,  and haggling with the station porter was uncharacteristically short and amicable. Perhaps, both of us understood the urgency of the situation and decided that money was of second-order importance when compared to me reaching my train. Another good thing about a rushed exit from anywhere is the near-zero possibility of having an emotional farewell. So, while my last minutes in Delhi were spent surrounded by extremely dear friends, it was mostly us catching our breath, punctuated by conversations about how deep in debt I was. (I am shit deep in debt though. While experts differ on the exact amount,  there is universal consensus on the figure running into very many thousands).  So that was my evening : rushing into a station with a lot of bags, with no time to cry or even feel sad, and acutely aware of the squeaky sound made by my extremely drenched shoes.

My shoes are very drenched. That is because today Delhi decided to let the rains fall like never before. I am serious!  Today  was probably the heaviest I have seen it rain, in  two years!  And given that Delhi,  as a city, can’t deal with over 10 mins of continuous rain, or a woman walking on the street, or a woman, or over 5 mins of rain, getting out of the house on a bike wasn’t the wisest idea. But get out I did,  for there were goodbyes to be said, both physical and mechanical. The person and machine will be sorely missed, and the memories associated with both will just make life worse. But at least I am glad I made the trip today morning,  since I could say goodbye to at least some people who missed my farewell party.
My farewell party was more feels, less action. But it was wonderful to see  people who gave enough fucks to bother organizing it, and even more people who thought it worth their time to come for it. Just to say goodbye!  I still can’t believe it. All these people!  And this is not including the  ones who couldn’t make it, called to wish, and also apologize!  I am not being facetious. I have rarely had occasions to celebrate,  rarelyier have the celebrations been public events, and rarelyierest has been the event attended by more than 10 people. So this was most impressive. I should never give speeches though. I think my silence in such situations would be a welcome gift to all present. Haha. Gift to all present. Lulz

I have already spoken elsewhere about how I feel about gifts. But I received far too many of them this time to even begin to protest. Some were written, some ordered, some drawn,  and some were simply too studly to manifest themselves in any other form than the physical presence of the people itself. Apart from being extremely thoughtful, I am ecstatic about how little all the gifts weigh. I am quite inclined,  for the first time, have a wall. My own wall, bearing testimony to creations of the past, to serve as a constant reminder of old friends. It is also fantastic Instagram material.

I am extremely sleepy now and will end soon. But I wish you could have been here during my last 10 days. To see me clear my house, pack everything and move into a loving but a not-mine place,  to watch me shift awkwardly as friends made sweeping claims about love and missing me,  and hugging them to manage the situation but not particularly feeling anything. To see my last 5 days in the city, 5 days of unemployment, 5 days of rushing to squeeze in as much time, and as many meetings as possible. To see me exhausted with the number of people I ‘absolutely’ had to meet, while being secretly grateful about the claims these individuals could make upon my time and attention. To sit thru the intense wide ranging discussions, late into the night, which invariably ended up in beer, video games and sleep. And not in that order.

Delhi for me will always be about the people I met. Barring them, I would see very little in the city which would appeal to me. The  fact that my friend was eve teased two days ago, and another friend threatened with a knife  does very little to improve my feelings about this place. For a very long time, I was worried about the fact that I didn’t experience particularly strong feelings about leaving this place. I was equally worried about a build-up of  these feelings, and a potential outburst when it was least expected. Today was that day. Strangely, both feelings and the rains came down hard together. From early hours of the morning till late afternoon. 
Mine stopped because of soup.

image

Rain, what’s your excuse?

Si

Ps. I will proofread this on a computer. Typing on the phone is very annoying.

A journey to rule them all

Uncategorized

I has updates! Many updates!  But screw all of them. I shall tell you the most important one.

I don’t have a best friend. Nor do I technically have an oldest friend (I simultaneously met two wonderful people back in 2004). So I am left with the closest thing to a best friend, and a first friend (by virtue of rounding up, some wild assumptions, and an enthusiastic fabrication of history). Both these people I love deeply.  They also happen to be in a boyfriend-girlfriend arrangement. While it is extremely efficient when it comes to planning parties, I dread the minuscule, yet frightening, possibility of them breaking up.  Lines will be drawn, camps instituted, and sides will have to be chosen. And I have no idea where I would go. Do you go for those senseless bouts of laughter at odd hours in the night,  or do you choose those extremely personal conversations you had while you were just beginning to figure your shit out?  Do you pick absolute suspension of inhibitions and honest discussions, or very amateur attempts at decoding people’s  psyche, mostly ending with  potato conclusions? All of the above is applicable to both of them, not to mention the collective experience of growing up,  which will also be at stake. Also, how does anyone from your circle throw parties anymore!

One has talent, the other, well, also has talent. Sigh. One has technical knowledge and subtle wisdom. But the other has much musical chutzpah and the capacity to make even the most inane seem profound.

I best stop before I start wondering why they are friends with me to  begin with :/

But tonight they are together. I met them earlier today and got one of the best gifts I have ever received. And I don’t even like gifts. I really don’t. Not in a cool ‘gifts suck because they are for losers’  manner. They make me genuinely awkward. Why would another individual bother so much with buying me an object? What if they  regret this  one day? Do they know I suck at buying? Is my friendship affirmed only thru purchase of  items? Do they really want to take this much effort for me?   Why would they?  Will my gift be perceived equivalent to what they got me? If we stop being friends, will their purchase be seen by them as a mistake? All of this is actively stressful for me. And the sort of stress I work hard to  avoid.

Words are better, intangible, most unaccountable, and almost always, cheap 🙂  Well, objects have utility. Hmmm. 25 points to Team Object-Gifts. But still, I get weird about gifts. I hope you get what I am saying. I don’t understand them partially because I suck at them, and part because I don’t see the point of it all. 75-25 I think.

Not this gift though. While I would have not expected this from anyone,  I can’t ever deny wanting it. It’s beautiful, filled with memories, and symbolic as hell. It also reminds me of a time when life was primarily concerned with books, women, and trains.  To be honest; the books were borrowed from N,  women were scary and focusedly avoided, and trains were almost entirely about survival. But mind space was less occupied, impressionability was high, and words read were words imprinted.  This gift represents the best of it all. It gave me more than I could ever express, made me very happy, and educated me in ways I don’t understand myself. Most importantly, it held on as I grew up. The Lord of the Rings is truly something. And I couldn’t have read it at a better time.

It is beautiful. Truly it is. I love it. And it is a journey like any other,  and yet the most important one. I cried.

image

Thank you C & K. Thank you very much for a constant reminder of all the journeys, and a primer of the things to come.

And no!  Fuck no! I am not choosing sides. I will cross my arms and sit on the floor. Let the world burn if it must. I will die a fence sitter 🙂

Si

Thieves and Samaritans

Uncategorized

This is still not excitable post I wanted to write. But tis a happy occasion nonetheless! Two absolute strangers liked my post. While the occurrence as well as its scale may seem inane to you, it means fuckloads.

This is possibly the first time since I came on the internet, which would be roughly a decade ago, someone absolutely random has bothered to look at something I created, and deemed it worthy of his/her liking. And it feels great. And do I want more strangers to like what I write? Fuck yes! Probably because it would signal my ability to write stuff which is not a collection of self-referencing circular narratives which would interest only people who know me personally. And then one day, I will cross the 1k subscriber mark, and will become too big for my shoes. Soon, it will descend into a spiraling pattern of me producing material for mass-consumption. I will make a lot of money, but lose my friends. Sleep with a lot of women, converse with none. Suddenly my soul is scarce and decadence is abundant. I will no longer be the person I once was…..*bites nails and shoves popcorn in mouth.

Ok but really, it is very strange that it took 10 years for me to produce something that would be available for wider consumption. Does that mean I have not been funny in this decade? Fuck no! I has I has! But even when you think you are hyper-connected on social media, it is still being connected (in most cases) to people who, you know, you are connected to anyway. The point I am trying to make is that I have been very lazy, and social-media-aka Facebook-connects-you-to-EVERYONE pitch is slightly bogus. And yes, you can tell me about the ones who write posts which go viral, or pictures which are universally detested (yes you duckface person;)), but I guess I wouldnt ever be able to be that bold.Seriously.

But no no no. This is about the two strangers. I hope you read this. I truly hope you do. You have made a very sick (okay, almost recovering, but theatrics) boy very happy. I hope you continue to write, think, post, and scour the intra-web spreading joy thru anonymity.

Si

PS: Finally finished the Gentleman Bastard trilogy. Bless you P for the books. If anyone plans to start reading it, I’d suggest buy all three at once. You will be going through the adventures of these singular thieves rather voraciously.  It is also the first trilogy I have read in the digital format. I could get used to this.

Many firsts today. Many.

SO PARTY!